twenty one
What is it with me picking out the wrong ones all the time? There comes a time when I start to wonder, is it the guys that I am choosing or is there actually something wrong with me? For once, in a really long time, I felt that instant attraction for someone and for a moment it seemed like it was about to lead to something. But, then,nothing. It’s fizzling out way before the spark even thoroughly lit up. You see the changes, the declining effort, and it’s fucking disappointing because at one point it was the exact opposite of that. I don’t think I am demanding…I’ve completely changed that ever since my first serious relationship — which was ages ago, mind you. So is it me? Am I just not worth it?
It just hurts. A lot. I jump into it guarded, testing it out with one foot out the door, but then the second I let the my guard down the same persistence that was once there would slowly disappear, and I am left craving…chasing…always, ALWAYS, fucking chasing.
What am I doing wrong here?
I just want someone that I can genuinely love and who will feel the same way about me. It always seems like something happens that throws it all off and I can’t find a way to patch it all back up. This pattern is becoming so tiring.
I am lonely. I deserve someone. Someone who’ll fucking love me back because if that person lets me, I will love him thoroughly…and I just want that again. It’s been so long since I’ve felt that and I am frustrated because it always falls apart before it even starts. It’s just not fair at all. Haven’t I waited long enough?
What do I have to do here? I am tired of the disappointments and it seems like it’s one after another. For once, I want to be worth the effort. Why can’t I be just worth the fucking effort?
[twenty]
why am i having such a tough time about this?
i just feel so unhappy right now and i absolutely hate this feeling.
i don’t want to be like this. i don’t want to feel this.
i want to smile and mean it.
i just want to be the way i was a few months ago: when i was truly (and genuinely) fine.
i miss that feeling.
[nineteen]
i just want to be happy. i know eventually i’ll get there. it’s just a matter of time, effort, and patience.
i am hoping i have all of the above.
everything happens for a reason. cliche. but it’s what’s keeping me sane right now.
this happened for a reason. i don’t know what that reason is yet but i am sure i’ll find out later. i was able to get through what i thought was the hardest moment of my life. this isn’t going to be any different.
[eighteen]
some things just aren’t meant to be. we’re one of those things.
[seventeen]
sometimes, i don’t know what i am doing at all. i think that i have it all figured out, that going with the flow is just fine, but for the most part, i am honestly scared.
you’re leaving. you’re leaving and don’t really have any plans on coming back. when you’re done with this deployment, you’ll be here roughly 3 months…and then that’s it. you’re gone.
what’s going to happen to us? i keep thinking that i can do this, you know? i can put up with this and suck it up. bite my tongue and just hope for the best. but i am struggling. i am really struggling. i see other couples — “normal” couples — and it frustrates me sometimes. i can’t do that. i can’t just drive on over to visit you. i can’t just pick up the phone to call you. i can’t do a lot of things i want to just because of our situation.
it sucks so much but i put up with it because i want to be with you. all i want is to be with you. i always think that going through this shit of a situation is better than not having you at all.
i want you to stay. i wish that you would consider staying the remaining year, instead of taking that order. i wish that for once, you would actually sacrifice a little something on your part to make this easier on us. but you won’t and i can’t ask you to do that. i don’t have the right to ask you to do that.
i keep telling myself that you mean well. you’re not going to hurt me. but even if you don’t intentionally mean on hurting me, i can already tell that it’s going to happen.
then why am i still here? why in the fucking hell am i even still here?
[sixteen]
i haven’t done this in awhile so forgive me if i am a little rough around the edges with this entry.
so many things have changed in the last couple of months. good ones, bad ones, and in betweens.
orlando is a challege but i am liking it.
i still enjoy being an elementary education major.
he still makes me smile even though there’s an ocean between us.
i think i am pretty satisfied right now.
=)
[fifteen]
i can’t do this.
i want too much of what i can’t have.
[fourteen]
It’s amazing how you’ve always said how important education is and how I need to make sure that I graduate and all of that. Then when the time finally comes where I finally have to leave in order to get that education, you give me shit when it comes to me asking you for help. You spend all this fucking money on my cousins’ educations because they live in the Philippines and are in “need of help”, yet you can’t fucking spare a dime for your own daughter. You paid for one semester throughout my school years and everything else had been out of my own pocket money and/or my scholarship.
You fucking piss me off so much. I tell you I got into a University and the first fucking words out of your mouth is, “What about your car? You know that car is breaking down. How can you afford it?” Yeah, thanks for the fucking congratulation! I can see how proud you are!
All I was asking for was a little help. A little cushion money because I obviously wouldn’t have a job there for the first couple of months of being on my own. I’ve never asked you for anything when it comes to my education and what little I did asked for was mainly due to the fact that I didn’t have a job at that time.
So you know what, fuck it. I am still leaving with or without your help. I’ve paid for my shit all this time, a couple more years of it on my own wouldn’t make a difference. I’ll try to remember how supportive you are once I’ve graduated and is actually making money for my own. Thanks, Ma. Great parenting skills as always.
[thirteen]
i am trying so hard to not give a damn.
why is that always easier said than done?
[twelve]
i know what i want to do now. it all just clicked. it’ll save me money, i’ll get to travel like i’ve always wanted to, and i’ll be working in a field that i like. i am excited!
hopefully, this all falls into places. i like knowing that i have a goal in mind.
